Experiencing Death

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Hey CBL Beauty Queens and Kings !

Today I am going to be talking about the natural thing everyone will unfortunately have to go through and the very thing that one day you and me will have to face. “Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside of us while we live” (Norman Cousins).

My grandma passed away March 30th, 2017. Its was just a normal day like all of the rest. I was the weekend so I didn’t have to go to school but my grandma had to work. My mom noticed that my grandma’s car was still under the covered car port. The plumber my grandma called to come that day was knocking on the door and asked for my grandma.  My mom called for me and told me to go check on my grandma. I went upstairs to my grandma’s bedroom and didn’t see her so I looked in the bathroom. When I left the bathroom was when I saw her, she was laying on the ground. I thought she was sleeping on the ground. I tried to wake her up multiple times until I gave up and ran downstairs to tell my mom. I told my mom that my grandma was on the floor of her room and wasn’t moving. My mother’s face fell when I saw that and I knew in my heart that, that wasn’t a good thing. She turned toward the steps and ran up them. I stood by the door dumbstruck. Then I saw her come down. She looked at the plumber and told him that he wasn’t needed because there was a death. My mom grabbed the phone and called 911. She told me and my brother to go to my aunties apartment and go get her. Since we lived in the same complex it wouldn’t take that long, so me and my brother damn near ran to my aunties house. When we knocked my cousins answered the door and we told them to get their mom. We were about to tell them what happened but my auntie didn’t want them to know. We went back home and by the time we got home the paramedics were there and it had finally hit me that I wasn’t going to see my grandma again. I sat outside of what used to be out two story townhouse watching the paramedics push a gurney covered in a white cloak. I started crying, I couldn’t deal with it. That is when a cop came over to me and tried to console me but that wasn’t going to happen. We packed our things and moved in with my auntie for a little while, which I can tell you know was a living breathing nightmare. A little place I call my own personal hell. It was the same way when we moved into my uncles house. But those are stories for another day.

“Grief is not a disorder, a disease or sign of weakness. It is an emotional, physical and spiritual necessity, the price you pay for love. The only cure for grief is to grieve.”  (Earl Grollman)

The stages of grief act as a guide to help individuals with dealing with their emotional reaction to change or trauma. Not all the time do we go through all of the stages sometimes we revisit some stages or we bounce around the stages. We don’t all go through grief and reactions others might have so don’t think you are grieving wrong. There is not right or wrong way to grieve. They say that there are from five stages of grief but there are different emotions that we go through. You can experience any of these emotions.

  1. Shock and Denial [Avoidance, Confusion, Numbness, Blame and Fear]
  2. Anger [Frustration, Anxiety, Irritation, Embarrassment and Shame]
  3. Depression and Detachment [Overwhelmed, Blahs, Lack of Energy and Helplessness]
  4. Dialogue of Bargaining [Reaching out to others, Desire to tell one’s story and Struggle to find meaning for what has happened]
  5. Acceptance [Exploring new options and A new plan in place]
  6. Return to meaningful life [Empowerment, Security, Self-Esteem and Meaning]

For the longest time I didn’t want to believe that she was dead, I hoped and wished that it would all go back to normal. I wrote a letter to god asking him to take me instead and another one when I got mad at my mom asking him to take her instead of my grandma. Even though I love my mom past the moon and beyond. I just couldn’t understand why she had to go. My cousins would tell me to stop talking about it. I guess my sadness got in the way of their happiness. Every song on the radio that either reminded me of my grandma or songs that she would listen to made me cry. There were even times were I felt so alone without her that I rather try and take my own life, although I know that is what people call the easy road out. I started failing classes, acting out, stealing and running away. The only thing that seemed to keep me sane was my Nelly Furtado (Loose Album) that I played faithfully everyday. It gave me hope, strength and made my day. I know it sounds dorky but yes I know all of the lyrics! She doesn’t know me but it has always been my dream to meet Nelly Furtado.

Remember that life is short, grudges are a perfect waste of happiness, laugh when you can, apologize when you should and let go of what you can’t change. Love deeply and forgive quickly and take chances! Give everything and have no regrets. Life is too short to be unhappy, you have to take the good with the bad, smile when you are sad. Love what you got and always remember what you had. Always forgive but never forget and learn from your mistake but never regret. People change and things go wrong but remember that life goes on!

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